Isn’t It Romantic…

Sorry, you’re just not my type – pandas have a reputation for suffering somewhat lacklustre love lives and attempts to encourage them to get it together have been met largely with frustration and disappointment.  So why do they give each other the cold shoulder so often?  Well, it comes down to panda personality – in order to get cosey with one another, they need to be compatible – they’re definitely not going to get up close and personal with a panda they don’t much like, so finding true panda love really is all in the chemistry.

A Vertical Expression – scorpions select their mates by whoever has the best balletic ability – they’ll only consider a partner who knows all the moves of their elaborate courtship dance.  They take a turn on the floor, gracefully twirling around, grasping each other’s claws tightly (no doubt a sensible precaution!!) You would think all this tripping the light fantastic would end with a loving embrace? Just a little kiss maybe?  Nope!  He leaves a little package of sperm for her to collect – and that’s it – it’s all about being light on your feet!

Please Yourself – sea anemones can’t always be bothered with looking for the love of their lives – instead they reproduce by themselves – they divide into two to create an identical clone.  This comes in handy when they find themselves on their lonesome, or, perhaps, if they’re simply not in the mood for love.  However, if they do suddenly feel romantic, they can show a little affection by releasing gametes into the water that will hopefully meet up with others to create new life.

All Girls Together – it can be rather confusing to be a female ruff bird – not only do you have lots of males vying for your attention, but there also seems to be another girl giving you the glad eye too.  If you decide to ditch the boys’ laddish charms and go for her feminine whiles, then you might be in for a surprise, because the she turns out to be a he in disguise!

Dinner Date – male preying mantis know that the way to a females’ heart is through her stomach – the only problem is that it’s him who’s on the dinner menu!  If he doesn’t get his approach just right, he’s likely to lose his head to love (quite literally) but that won’t stop him getting together with her, as he seems able to complete his amorous mission minus his head!  If he’s lucky and she’s not feeling peckish, then he might manage to remain intact and make a quick getaway – it’s too risky to stay for a cuddle!

Girls Do the Choosing – red jungle fowl like to live in tight knit family groups, so when it comes to choosing a partner, they have to remember who their relies are!!  Boys will be boys though and the amorous males aren’t always so careful to remember who’s who – they just want to share their affections with as many female fowl as possible.  Fortunately, the girls have a remedy for this wayward behaviour and are able to choose who fertilises their eggs, making sure it’s a fowl from a different clan!

Meet Up for a Drink – if a certain female giraffe catches the eye of a male, then she knows just what to do to show him she’s interested.  Instead of flirting, she has a wee nearby, so that he can take a little sip (I’d prefer a nice glass of merlot myself!)  From his rather dodgy drink, he will be able to tell if she is ready for love and if so, he will seal the deal with her – I’ve heard of better chat-up techniques!

Get In There First – flatworms are hermaphrodite – they’re both male and female – so the dilemma is, how to decide who does what during a romantic encounter…?  I know – a fencing duel!  The worms use their private parts as swords (!) and battle it out to decide who comes out on top!  The winner gets to love ‘em and leave ’em, while the loser has to lay and care for the eggs.

Two Become One – if you spot a sizeable angler fish, it will be a female – where have all the males gone?  They are hard to spot, because they’re tiny by comparison – a mere inch or so long.  They are so weeny that they can’t exist for very long on their own and have to attach themselves to the female.  Their blood systems combine and she provides him with a life support system – in exchange, he provides her with a present of sperm to fertilise her eggs.

Shower Her With Gifts – male hippos like to show their affection to their intended by showering her with gifts – but we’re not talking flowers or chocolates here – we’re talking poop!  He swings his tail as he goes, showering all his doings into the air before her – and if that doesn’t impress her, he will add some enthusiastic gas expulsions into the mix, to really get her pulse racing.  If she’s impressed with this dung display, she will let him know it’s a go, by returning the favour!

Who says romance is dead..?!!

Published by candy hunter writer

Self publishing author - Childrens books. First book - Chuckle with Chumleigh; recently launched - Chumleigh and the Festive Secret and Chuckle with Chumleigh Again - available on Amazon.

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